Another thing that I didn’t want to do, shouldn’t have to do, and didn’t really know where to start. Kind of like my divorce, I just felt angry, depressed, overwhelmed and hurt. Why do I have to go back to work? The voice asked me to call Uncle Raymond. In his 80s and working by choice, my great uncle told me he was “going shopping.” I asked him why since he is not the shopping type. He stated “I’m going to Costco for chicken,” as his car was breaking down. “Doesn’t your wife cook and why are you still working anyway?” He stated “I get a lot of my meals and these are the best days of my life!”
What? The voice was making suggestions again. Some would say it was satan, a hallucination, clairaudience, The Divine, consciousness, intuition, or something else. You pick, I know what it is for me. “No, I’m old, retired, and get somebody else, they have spouses to help them.” Interesting, single people think I have time to help them since I’m retired. As I was arguing, my neighbors Al and Wayne, approached me and thanked me for being the “block hero.” Our street looked like a war zone and they had planned to put us on the visit city hall and beg every year, for five years, plan. It seems my perspective had changed their minds, and they fixed our street within a few months.
Nevertheless, I asked Wayne in his 70s, how far do you walk in a week? He stated, “over 35 miles.” Dayum, there goes my excuses. Working and walking in your 70s and 80s is fun? Frankly speaking, I feel entitled to not work. I worked hard, raised my children, served my country, and have no debt. Yes I’m thrifty. My young son once told my nephew, “My mother is so cheap, she would take pee, if it was free.” Frankly, I should be able to rest on my laurels and enjoy my life. Travelling, beaching, and eating real good food looking at God’s creations.
I told the voice,I’m done with shix sandwiches. Besides, it seems I have eaten enough of them. You need to spread it around! People need truth and a different perspective, the voice stated. Who wants to listen to me? I am an old cat lady, I like doing what I want, enjoying my solitude, and nature walks. Geez, I just got over my daughter not speaking to me, where is my break in life?
One of the things I do know about life, it isn’t just about us, even though we all want it to be. In fact, when I don’t do what I NEED to do, my life seems to get harder and less peaceful.
I didn’t want a divorce. We were supposed to grow old together and the children and grandkids would visit a house full of decorations and love, especially at Thanksgiving or Christmas. My favorite holidays. Yes, our family would leave with good memories and wisdom to navigate their loving and fun filled lives. That was the first fantasy I had to kill. In reality, I felt so betrayed and hurt that I lost weight, my hair fell out and people would stare at me in the grocery store. They didn’t know if someone took a blow torch to my face or I got dragged by a motorcycle. The doctors didn’t know what it was either. I knew.
It was raaaaaage coming out of my body. First, rage at him and then rage at myself, for betraying myself. I tried to handle my rage appropriately by exercising. I would do two, 1 hour step Reebok challenges in a row, and still be mad! I was so mad and depressed that I thought about killing myself, but who would raise my children? Maybe I should take them with me. No, I can’t go to hell and I can’t leave them here by themselves in this cruel world. Plus, I read somewhere that if you killed yourself, you have to come back and do it again. HELL NAW! I can’t come back here. I’m truly grateful, but earth can be ridiculous! It can be beautiful too, like when I was in love, observing gorgeous scenery, and other beautiful life events. But that was not my focus. I asked God to take me while I was asleep, and of course I woke up breathing and mad as hell!
I WAAAITED for him to die. I had read, “the wages of sin is death.” I prayed to God and asked him when was my husband going to die and how? A car accident, a plane crash, a robbery? I actually got excited thinking about it all. The Divine told me that everybody would be dead on the planet, apparently we’re all “sinful.” I explained that I wasn’t talking about evvvverybody, HELLOOOOO?!
I’m talking about your shixxy son, the one I married and did me wrong. Then I heard, “He didn’t do you wrong, he was trying to be happy. Shirlene, go focus on yourself.” WHAAAAT!! That was hard, VERY hard! I wanted to know every detail on how he changed his value system and didn’t tell me. My intuition had been telling me, but I doubted it, after all, I didn’t see any blatant signs. Even my best friends at the time, reassured me that my intuition was incorrect. He wouldn’t do that.
Maybe I’m crazy? So I prayed and I dreamt the truth. Have questions? Always ask God to send you signs, you would be surprised on how you get them, a stranger, a song, a flyer on the ground, a friend calling you out of the blue. It really is amazing because I received the validation, that’s another story. Isn’t it amazing how you will let the ones you love over ride your intuition? Not anymore.
Nevertheless, I did listen to The Divine. Now, I THANK GOD, I didn’t die in my sleep. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t cry two tears for that bullshix now! Yes, my perspective has definitely changed! Once I started focusing on myself, I fell back in love with myself. Hell, I really had lost who I was in the marriage and probably one of the reasons he changed his value system. Then, he seemed to have fallen back in love with me and called all my friends and relatives to try to get us back together. They all asked me how I could let a 16 year marriage go?
A good friend would call all times of the day and night complaining, crying, sad and hurt about the impending “ failure” (her words) of her 21 year marriage. My 12 year old daughter complained, “she calls all the time, good grief, it only takes three days to get oversomebody!” I laughed and stated how I believed my 16 year marriage was a complete success. She then stated, “You feel like it was a success because you gave it your all and it didn’t work out. People who don’t give it their all, feel like failures.” My 16 year old son exclaimed, “Who wants a half of a family, like ours?” I explained to him he actually had TWO families, his dad had a girlfriend. Our thoughts were interesting, and we all felt content and right about our perspectives. Endings do not mean failure, they are transitions to the next phase of your life.
My divorce sandwich contained personal resilience, financial independence, establishing boundaries, shift in support systems, co-parenting at a distance, returning to authenticity, self happiness, trusting myself more than others, and self reliance amongst other nutrients.
I reeeeally don’t know what this “Life Strategy” sandwich will bring, only time will tell. I do know that the devil I know has never been better than the angels that love me. I just have to do the work and let the love come in from a different source. That can be very hard. As a matter of fact, everytime I left a “devil” (job, person, situation, etc), I felt I had declined, spiritually, emotionally, financially, etc. As time passed, l realized I gained so much more! The “decline” was really me making a pit stop to the grocery store, to get new nutrients for new recipes. Yes, I could feed my belly with better food, not just the ones that I wanted, that really were not good for my body anyway.
We really have to remember in the words of Michael Bernard Beckwith “You are not here to get anything. You are here to dispense the divine gifts.” I know that inherently, but I like focusing on supper, can you tell? Who REALLY wants to be Jesus dispensing The Divine gifts, especially at the last supper with some betrayal for dessert?
Nevertheless, I have found a new underutilized skill already, creativity. I am soooooo logical, this artsy thing is a bit weird for me, but I am enjoying it. I LOOOOVE my website. I shared my vision to the AI at Porkbun, and it developed my theme. Thank you Porkbun, especially Richard and Edgar! This new phase of my life is just like the other “traumas” in my life. I have to kill my fantasy, take one step at a time, stop focusing on the nutrients I “deserve,” and love myself some more. Eventually, I learned to love the ones who gave me those new nutrients.
Are you mad,sad, feeling helpless, betrayed, or anxious? CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE. Just remember you had to try steak, peanut butter, cheese burgers, bologna, pesto, and other sandwiches you now enjoy. Sometimes your body may become allergic to the very nutrients you love. Your endurance muscles require different nutrients. And remember, muscles must be broken down, before they build back up, STRONGER!
If you hate your sandwich, and/or you need a different perspective, I may be able to assist you. Regardless, WE ARE ALL BUILT TO BE BETTER, USE YOUR ENDURANCE MUSCLES, even if you are 70 or 80 years old. You can achieve the best years of your life, Wayne and Uncle Raymond said it, and are walking and living proof.
